steps ahead

...in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths...

I stepped on a snail the other day. I despise stepping on things, especially living things. It calls to mind the time that I accidentally stepped on a large grasshopper. I remember praying that I had not actually stepped on a grasshopper, but instead a large leaf. Surely enough, as I turned around to look at the damage, it was a large grasshopper. He helplessly struggled to regain strength after having been sadly crushed by a girl thousands of times larger than he.

Stepping on bugs, accidentally or on purpose, is a mundane occurrence. However, I am very much aware that even something as insignificant as a bug is something living, breathing, existing. I might have made a very good buddhist. I will not go as far as to say that a bug's life or any creature or animal's life is equal to a human life, but I do know that a person's capacity for compassion is something God-given. So that when I see a bug suffering or dead, it stirs up a sense of sadness within me that can only be explained by something greater than myself.

I stepped on a snail. I normally look ahead before stepping to prevent such an incident. For whatever reason, I paid no attention to the ground that day and stepped directly on top of that snail. I again prayed that it was a leaf and not an innocent, living creature. But again I was disappointed to find the poor remains of what had been a snail on his way to a patch of grass. What intensified my sadness is that it happened right outside the front door. Everyday I walk past a small heap of broken shell and snail carcass, wondering how I could be so careless.

This made me think of God, as many things often lead me to think of Him. Was God warning me to watch my steps? This is a stretch, yes. In fact, a big stretch, but not an unwise one. I know that people can be led astray with ease; it is not difficult to be swept away by empty promise and ambition. This is what the world offers. On the contrary, what God offers is not fleeting and it is not left unfulfilled. If we look away from the path too soon, we will not see the glorious end that awaits us. If we look away from the path, we risk missing Everything. If we neglect to watch our steps in our misled attempts for what we deem is greater, we are in danger of dismissing the small things, even crushing them.

Dear snail, fear not, your death was not in vain.

He loves us

...who shall separate us from the love of Christ?...

What does it mean to be loved by God? It is difficult for me, a fallible, filthy, human, to understand unconditional love. I am tempted to ask God why He loves me. There is no amount of good that I could do that would prompt a holy God to approach me, let alone love me. There is nothing that can be done to coax God to love; no means of man. The only explanation is that He extends it willingly and without expectation of return.

We need to be loved. It is fundamental to our existence. People may choose to deny this, but deep within, every human knows that love is necessary to life. The world defines love in various terms and phrases: "Love makes the world go round...Love is a many splendored thing...All you need is love...Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment..." It appears that man is unsure of how to define love. Why not seek the source?

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another...And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. - 1 John 4:7-11, 16

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. - John 15:13

Amen.

charm is deceitful

...charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting...

And we know how the story goes. The woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. If you are like me, you are accustomed to being the third wheel. Sometimes the fifth wheel. You gave up hopes of a great, non-platonic relationship some time ago. After being passed over for prettier, smarter, more charming friends, you've come to understand that the rules of fairness do not apply to you. Fairness is an illusion and does not exist in matters of the heart.

My mind and my heart are in constant competition. I know that I have little control over my future. I know that there is nothing that can be done about who I am and that even less can be done about who will come to love who I am. I know that God has a plan and that trusting in that plan will save me from my mental dissension. But I feel small. I feel invisible. I feel undeserving.

How vast is the grace of God that he might extend hope to me? I am small. I am undeserving. I am invisible to the world. But God sees me. The God who can see everything sees me. More importantly, he loves me. And as a woman who desperately wants to fear God, nothing else could be of more value than that fact.

trust the dreams

...And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?...

Life is certainly uncertain. I can remember, as a child, fearing death to the point of tears. I cried often at the thought of being abandoned in the school yard, or being left to fend in the wild alone. It was my understanding that death was absolute in its finality. Life was all that there was, and at its end was an unknown darkness.

And what now? Understanding death as a beginning brings joy and comfort for me as the sooner-or-later to be deceased. But it brings little peace to me as a person who must and will grieve. In my life thus far, I have witnessed countless deaths. Some in their youth, some in their time. What discomforts me now is different from my fears as a child, and yet equally alarming. So few people in my life are prepared for death. I say this knowing that if they were to suddenly pass, they would doubtlessly be in an unforgiving place; a place absent of God and any hope of fulfillment.

It is at this point that I question my devotion. How can I allow for this to persist? My pastor's words are a constant reminder: "Heaven would be incomplete without you." What joy is there in a heaven that I did not help to create? I would be the guest at a potluck who failed to add to the feast. I could still enjoy the food and the company, but perhaps less so because I contributed nothing; I did not do my part. Although Christ left to prepare a place for us, I somehow understand that it is the special task of his saints to complete that place.

Each person's face leaves a painful impression on my mind. How empty will heaven be because I was afraid to speak? Because I did not seek Him? Because I did not press? I find myself envying those who are spiritually endowed with the ability to deliver the gospel. They are presented with grand opportunities in life to lead people to truth, and their fruit is multiplied. But I do nothing. I wallow in self pity and allow sin to consume my energy. I am afraid. Even now after all that has been revealed. I allow the "inopportunities" and the discomfort of the moment to overtake my desire to share, and because of my cowardice people will suffer. I await the day when I will no longer be afraid; when my heart's desire will consume every doubt. I pray for that day.

mystery

...If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world...

In search of the mystery of life, people become engulfed in a larger-than-life sense that there is some greater power, some cosmic anomaly that will reassure their existence. Despite an ever prevalent moral indifference, the question of good versus evil still lingers. People will generally favor the heroic underdog who carries a torch of the great overcoming. But because of tragedy, people may be inclined to believe that the presence of evil will forever dominate in reality and that the world is regrettably doomed to fail. We make our meager efforts to restore a crumbling foundation and to rebuild the cornerstones of hope. And yet we do not seem to understand that our efforts cannot change the course of destiny.

The hardcore truth is this: good will ultimately prevail because God is good and God always wins. This is not a point of debate or controversy. The truth, although perplexing at times, is the truth. This means that it cannot be changed nor can it cease to be what it is though people may choose to deny it. It can be skewed, embellished, broken, forgotten, and even persecuted. But it is as it always has been and always will be, and this is more than we could ever claim of our own selves. How fickle is the heart of man! What people will soon learn is that we are taken so drastically by evil only because of our failure to understand truth. If we could somehow understand that this is not our home, that we are aliens in this place, and that we belong to Someone, we might find our salvation.

blue like jazz

...Christian spirituality: A music birthed out of freedom. Everybody sings their song the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands...

Song is mysterious in its own right. I have known no one to dislike music, or even dislike singing. However, few are gifted with the actual ability to produce song. I can imagine God creating certain "molds" of people. Some have been set aside as craftsmen, intellects, and healers, while others are artisans, poets, musicians, and inventors. Singers are another mold. They are widely heard and carry a deep responsibility to the public, especially if they are truly gifted. Singers have the special ability to captivate people with song, while communicating a message or a feeling. Astute audiences may be apt to understanding the content of the song, but most listeners merely allow the words to soak into their minds with little consideration for what the song contains. Sadly, there are perhaps too many gifted singers that sing strangers' songs and they infect others with melodious poison.

I love to sing. It is the single-most activity that I enjoy above all else. It is more than just an activity; it is an experience. Song births in the core of my being, gradually gathering momentum from all of my energy and from my heart, until it finally erupts unrestrained. As Rosie Thomas once said, "I play music, that's what I do. When I sing, I lose myself." When I sing, I no longer control my voice; it controls me. The emotional connection with a song gives way to the purest sound. I imagine singing with the heavenly host. Song echoing and resonating throughout the earth. It is not my voice that is distinguished from the rest, but we are part of a beautiful whole. And the beating of my heart keeps pace, my body grows numb, and I am in complete peace. If I were in captivity, I would sing. If I were persecuted, I would sing. Were I rejoicing and free, I would sing. Singing is as essential to me as praying and reading the Bible. It is not a hobby or a striving for attention; it is a spiritual discipline. Although this may not be true for all singers, I cannot rightly sing if it is not in adoration to God...my purpose would be lost. No one else and nothing else is worthy.

about me and you

What I love about Jesus the most is outside of his loving and redeeming nature. Although I am indebted to Him in gratitude for these qualities, I understand that they are only a small (but not insignificant) extensions of His character.

In an everyday conversation with His disciples, He stated bluntly that they would be hated because of Him. The world hated Jesus and would hate them also. After inexplicable atrocities abound on earth, they will be persecuted; some killed. Jesus states these things as truth and without hesitation or consideration for His audience. As if to say, "winter will come shortly after fall." It is not his confidence that is appealing, but rather the source of His confidence. Jesus is not like truth. He is truth. And nothing and no one will ever be comparatively worthy of such a statement.

Friends and strangers alike will exclude me, ignore me, use me - because they can. Their underlying philosophy being: what is acceptable and likable to some must apply to all. What is the purpose of conforming to likes and dislikes? Why must people be socially acceptable when Jesus was not? This generation punishes me for my oddities. What makes me good also makes me arrogant, close-minded, prudish. Loneliness is my friend, and endurance my companion.